On weight

So here is goes;  as much as I would like to say this post is about the weight of the world, it is not. The kind of weight I am talking about is the superficial kind that all the tabloids and click bait articles LOVE to talk about. This post is going to outline one of my most personal and troubling attributes to my life. I am talking about body weight.

In the past two years, I have lost almost 70 pounds. I am now down to the last 7 pounds that I set out to lose when I started this whole ordeal way back when I was 14 years old. Here’s the progress I’ve made so far including a very cute sophomore homecoming photo.

 

Even as a young kid I was very heavy set and being the fat kid is hard. I was always wearing larger size clothes than all of my friends, I was never able to borrow clothes from my friends because they wouldn’t fit, and let’s face it, kids are relentless so if you were fat like I was, you weren’t going to make it out of school without kids making jokes about where the candy went or who was the slowest runner in gym class (me).

My parents tried to help but it ended up making me want to eat more due to my insecurities. I felt as though I was being bullied by my parents and because of this, I would go to great lengths for food. I would hide it under my bed so they wouldn’t find out, I would eat at late hours so they wouldn’t see me and often times I would lie about how much I had eaten because it was so embarrassing. I don’t want this to sound like I am blaming my parents for what they did to try and help me. I have great parents and they have always been supportive of me but when you’re a kid, these things are hard to realize. Throughout my school years, it was always like this. I was always hungrier than other kids, I ate unhealthy food and I hated what I saw in the mirror. I even remember that one of my friends’ moms called me “the fat Mady” when she thought I was out of earshot.

Fast forward to a few years later; I started working out vigorously, I ate as healthy as I possibly could and drank buckets and buckets of water then I finally started to lose some of the weight. I lost 40 pounds and then I met Jack. We met on Tinder and had really hit it off. We had tons of fun talking to each other and we were always snapchatting eachother too. A week later we planned to go on our first date. Here’s something that might not come as a surprise; cute guys don’t like fat girls and oh boy, was Jack cute. Even though he had seen pictures of me, he had never seen me in any kind of bad lighting or unflattering angle. I was so scared to meet him in person. I remember almost texting him that day and said “Oh, by the way, I’m fat” It sounds absurd but there was always a real fear in my mind of “Well what if I’m not skinny enough for them?” I ultimately decided not to send that text because, if after all this time of talking he couldn’t see past a few pounds, then he doesn’t deserve me. I was right of course and now we’re married so I guess you could say that worked out.

From that point, losing the weight got harder because it was less about me becoming healthy and more about shedding the pounds. Jack and I moved in together as broke college kids and being a broke college kid meant eating a lot of frozen pizza and chicken nuggets. These things taste good but are horrible for you so during this time I would feel intense remorse after every meal I ate. Sometimes, eating something like fries would send me into a panic attack for several hours. I could have eaten healthier in the first place and for the most part, I did as much as I could but sometimes your hunger takes over and orders one of everything on the menu and once you’ve eaten it all, there’s nothing left other than regret and empty packets of ketchup. I have since then started to eat healthier again, buying groceries, meal prepping, going to the gym and other things like that sometimes still, my hunger will still control my food and I end up eating something that’s not so healthy and every time I do, there’s my anxiety right along with it.

This food anxiety has followed me through most of my life and still controls my everyday eating. I ask myself questions every day about it. “Will this make me feel bad about myself?” Or “is this something that I should be eating?”. I also have a driving inner monologue that looks at every item of food I consume and says “I can’t eat that.” but here’s the news flash: I CAN EAT WHATEVER I WANT. With me having this mindset about food I have made myself crazy. Food, weight, and body image control a much larger portion of my life than I would like them too and in all honesty, I feel like they always will.

I have gotten many different reactions to the weight that I’ve lost. The most common phrase I hear is “Wow! You look amazing!” Another popular one is “How did you do it?” And to those people, I say that drinking water and cutting my portions has helped me the most. This is very true because without the water and the portion control I would be in about the same spot I was in when I set out on this journey. The third most common reaction that I get is people rolling their eyes when I talk about my weight loss. To those people I say Suck on it because my weight loss has been a steep uphill battle and overall, I am very proud of the progress I’ve made and if someone is proud of themselves you should let them be! We all have our own demons so who are you to determine what’s worth being happy about.

So here are my final thoughts on weight:

-Body management and body confidence is extremely hard physically and emotionally so if you are going through it, kudos to you!

-It doesn’t matter what a number on a scale says, as long as you are happy, keep doing you.

-Take care of yourself mentally and physically and your body will reward you in ways you could not imagine.

-Finally, don’t let body image control your life because it has for me and I would have been better off had I not let it affect me.

Overall, Food and I do not have a great relationship. I love the way it tastes and hate what it can do to my body if it’s used incorrectly. In fact, every once in awhile I will eat something bad for me and consider throwing it up. While I have never actually done this because I hate throwing up more than anything, the thought still crosses my mind from time to time. Everyday is a constant battle between my stomach and my mind but I am very proud of the progress I have made and will continue to make. So here is my new philosphy, instead of saying “I can’t eat that” I will start saying “I can eat that, but I dont want to”. With the exception of the occasional cookie of course.

Good notes:

I have decided to start adding this section to my blog posts as a small update about my life. Just some pictures and stories from the week about things that have made me smile.

This week has been busy with the holidays and all but so much fun. On Saturday night Jack and I went to a friendsgiving celebration and I got the opportunity to try out some KILLER makeup. It ended up pretty good so here’s a picture to show you just how much I killed it.

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Also earlier in the week Jack and I thought it would be fun to make our own ornaments for the christmas tree so we hit the dollar store and loaded up on foam gingerbread men and glitter glue. We decided we would make ornaments of each other so here is the one I made of Jack:

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And here is the one Jack made of me:

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Needless to say I’m not sure glitter glue would be Jack’s medium of choice but I am flattered that he gave me sparkly silver hair.

One thought on “On weight

  1. Totally enjoyed reading this. At least from the Roberts side, you have a family that has struggled for weight for generations. I am learning that some of this is actually an “evil” conspiracy in which the major food companies make prepared foods highly cravable (Sugar, Fat, Salt is a great book, it is probably a penny used at Amazon – highly recommend it!) to sell more. Some of it is lack of self control and some of it is actually an engineering and marketing experiment on humans who have ingest liquid calories before 100 years ago and therefore our systems haven’t evolved enough to tell us we’ve had enough. Congrats on the successful process and keeping the unwanted weight off!

    Liked by 1 person

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